I think the Enderpeople were a bit shocked at all the blue.
I made it to the End Poem. I won't totally spoil it, this went on for some time.
I did not give up. I like that.
It got spookier after this because I had no idea the End Poem existed and I wasn't expecting it.
So when I saw it saying things I've been thinking and saying for years, and things this last year totally validated by other people saying the same thing with the whole Great Awakening movement, I felt so good to be a part of all this. Even though we don't realize we are all connected, even the guy writing this didn't realize that his automatic writing was saying the same words as others doing automatic writing, the stuff coming into our heads in our quiet moments is very real.
As the poem rolled up, I felt like I was reading my own brain. It was genuinely moving and spooky and very familiar, and I don't think one speck of it is because this guy himself was that brilliant (but he is really really good). I think he was the perfect vehicle for the words to come through for the job he was doing that would touch millions of people around the world. And that is what the Great Awakening is doing, too. So many of us have had these words come into our minds unbidden in our quiet moments without ever knowing they were out there anywhere. Pinky blog is full of those words.
Meantime, I'm super organizing myself. You laugh. How many times have I said that...
I've felt blitzed for months (two years in April, actually) between extra people scheduling, 3 surgeries, and other surprises, and although my brain seems to be working even better than it has in years, I'm still so terribly scattered that it's all I can do to realize time is still moving and I definitely still have the day wrong. Lately I almost feel like I'm having more severe brain skips. I watched my mom go through creeping dementia from strokes, and Alzheimer's is in the family, so I am cognizant that my years-long brain fog issue might get worse in jags fairly rapidly. I might seem capable, and I do very much want to be, but I'm barely on top of me.
I can feel me grinding my brain down. Even in lapses I use my brain quite hard. Whether I have a screen in front of me or not, I'm always weighing priorities, planning strategies, focusing on directions, all the things I worked so hard to gain a foothold back into the world of interaction. Ten years ago I was barely interacting with anyone and so deep in my own little rabbit hole that my psychologist couldn't believe I found my way out in 2012.
This spring and summer will be 7 years that I've been back out public. And I've managed to stay public. I haven't ripped down my existence off the webs and gone back into hiding.
I got a spiral out last night. I have lucid moments here and there where most or even what feels like my whole brain comes 'on' and it's so easy to think and organize all the furniture in my head. Right now I'm typing a little blindly, half remembering, unable to do much more than lay out words like little bricks in a row hoping they work out.
I have missed so much TV this last year, and still barely keeping up with The Flash and Gotham. Once in awhile @bonenado and I have a free hour and we've started rewatching Continuum. When I first watched that in 2012, I was barely braining. I had him pause the show every minute or so just to hear the sentences repeated. I had to work very hard to understand sentences. I knew each word, I am very good with words (remember super high ACT when I was younger but went through brain fail from a bad viral infection and lost being able to read or watch TV for a few years), but I had to hear sentences over and over to be able to understand the direction the writers were going with the story. It was maddening for both of us, poor @bonenado was so kind pausing and pausing and pausing, all those tiny rewinds, and I was trying so hard not to feel frustrated. Continuum was my first real series coming back out of the 'dark'.
And now I'm breezing through it, not because I remember it, but because my brain works.
So back to the spiral lol, distracted myself. I need to get back on the daily / weekly / monthly lists for some kind of Plan, complete with goals. I mapped out what is probably a fairly easy chart of things I need to stay on top of, and I'm hoping I don't promptly lose it like I've been doing this last year. I have lost so many things I've started, and the forgetting has gotten so bad that I'm sliding into feeling useless. I'm really not, I do a ton of stuff every day that keeps my house running smoothly for everyone, and same with the game server. But I need to find a way to see my own progress again, so back to the listing and even the sticker charts if I ever find my stickers... I keep buying stuff. I finally plowed through a drawer and found 5 packs of unopened pens, markers, colored pens, more markers...
Totally missed a birthday first thing this year, within days of making a resolution to get on top of that again.
Ok, spacing out, anyway, I've gotta stay on top of the day in day out stuff or another year will float by.
We're all living our stories. We're all waking up, some faster than others. Many of us are hoping this is the last cycle. It's been a long, hard haul.
Some of us remember why we are here. I need to get my stuff written before I can't any more.
The funny part is remembering the end first... And I think that is how the book must start out.
