-Mobile continuation from Xanga blog PinkyGuerrero at PinkyGuerrero, Pinky, this blog is Janika, ongoing continuation at blogs Basically Clueless & PinkFeldspar, in that order.
-Most of the graphics and vids click to sources.
-Personal blog for Janika Banks.
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Wednesday, April 3, 2019

reflections on truth sliding by

I've got 7 drafts sitting around. Wonder what they say.

"barely here" 12-6-18
Nothing written, but I remember that was a very rough day.

untitled 2-23-19
It's funny how words stick. Kiddo couldn't say Hello Kitty when she was a titty bitty baby, so it's still being called Hottie Candy even though she's 5 now. *fave*

untitled 2-25-19
Nothing written, but I remember there was a whole lot I really wanted to say.

untitled  2-26-19
All the ways minecraft has affecting my real life thinking-

  • Realizing that if I start the washing machine before I leave the house that it will keep running the entire time I have this chunk unloaded while I'm elsewhere.

"born folded" 3-23-19
Nothing written, but I remember the funny thought I had.

"shadows of earth" 4-1-19
Silhouettes of trees that ragged shreds of sunlight find their way between to recreate the sun on slips of dark water below.

"musical worms" 4-2-19
(This I actually want to write, and left myself notes, but nothing more.)
Intellectual art of the British condition, brutally cruel irony.

A musical about meat pies.

Case in point JD HBC movie.

I'm just a worm. Quotes from Labyrinth.


I do this everywhere I go, online, real life... You can follow me around the house and there are scribbled on scraps of paper scattered like leaves, piles of spirals, oddball collections of envelopes I've written on, everything imaginable. Online I leave bits of brain all over a fleet of blogs. My major blogs all have drafts sitting around, some of them nearly ready to go but just sitting there for actually even years.

Brunei is stoning gays now. Their new law goes into effect tomorrow. A lot of people there are going to die very miserably and very horribly. I can't even imagine watching someone I love die like that. I can't imagine anyone wanting to throw rocks at someone to the point of making them actually die. I can't imagine that level of animosity toward another human.

I wrote about Brunei on my Lexx blog. I noticed after one particular character post that Brunei hit that blog so hard that they outstripped all other countries combined for about a week. I speculated at the time that my article was going viral over there. Imagine something you write being a really big deal on the other side of the world where they still torture and kill and persecute helpless people for stupid beliefs that never allow anyone to survive without completely becoming the perfect public servant. Color inside the lines or die. Anyway, Brunei currently holds 16% of all time blog traffic there over nearly 5 years. That's extremely unusual. Current total is 4641. That may seem small, but Brunei is a small country, and my blog is a very fan focused blog for a small world fandom for a 20 year old TV show.

I struggled through the previous five years against ridiculous challenges making 'braining' very hard. I felt like it was important to say things. I've written plenty of times about the importance of connecting, reaching deep for honesty with ourselves, becoming aware of others, stepping past out boundaries and learning more than what we are told from birth is truth. I find it very easy now to write, and I have glorious epiphanies when I'm furthest away from my laptop or a pen and paper. My life now is so active and full and even enjoyable that I rarely wind up on keyboard any more. I'm loving being able to be busy.

But I still lurk. Every day I see the world burning, people standing up to tyranny and injustice, and social media stomping them back down like a big brother boot. Every day I see the hope rally again, literally all over the planet. We can all see each other now, and we have found each other, and we understand each other with just one circle sporting a little tail.

I'm not sorry I left. To be honest, I barely even miss it once in awhile. And with the gravity of the depravity, I no longer love the firelight flickering on the wall in the cave. They say those who know don't sleep. The truth of that is still so chilling that I still get goosebumps and feel sick. Yes, I stopped sleeping again for awhile. I sat up shivering through many wee hours digging deeper and finding hard truth that chilled my very bones.

People in Brunei will be dying horribly tomorrow. They are just one part of the long sadness on this weeping world. I'm sure a major network will fictionalize it into a space show and Americans will tweet it up like candy.

I can't do that any more.

I'm pretty sure this is my last life cycle on this planet. I understand now why my life has felt so urgent, why I have felt so pressured to share what I write. I've always known I came here with a purpose.

I've worked very hard purging my soul, laying out my emotional entrails for a very thorough autopsy, and prepared myself for the cold hard fact that we live on a prison planet. Little did I know the reveals would start quietly exploding, and the war would escalate to very personal space, and that I would risk losing everything I am online.

So I joined the anons.

The most powerful thing I can do every day is bring safety, comfort, joy, and love into my household. Every day we meet in this sanctuary and feel good that we are home. I no longer struggle with depression the way I used to. I no longer wrestle with indecision over what to do. I no longer sweat the priorities. My priority is my people first, in my home, regardless.

Pinky blog was about finding ways to survive being a mess. It was good for me to work through all of that. I feel much more ready now for come what may, and I am not afraid.

I know what they do in the dark. They won't be able to buckle up or run and hide. My people are coming. The Maestro, the QArmy, the anons and autists are all coming, and this madness will be ending soon.

No more of this genuinely stupid raping and killing by governments, by billionaires, by banks and CEOs and politicians. No more inflicting for profit.


If you know what this means, high five. I've already embraced the sick cruelty as fact because I was already halfway there with my own life. Those who can't stomach the truth will be emotionally crushed, and it's going to be very, very hard when you realize what some beloved celebs have been holding back from all of us. We hang on every day because of them, and it's a lie and they know it. The flickering lights entice us, and they dance around the truth mocking us, and they don't think we'll ever wake up so they keep getting away with murder.