existential horrors sliding into my DMs

There came a point where I finally had to ask- did I start this? In trying to determine whether the communication, ideas, visuals, all the things coming unbidden here and there into my head, slipping into my DMs, as it were- was that me inventing a dialogue?

And I finally dug down enough to realize that it had all started long before I was even capable of inventing it, dreaming it, imagining it, even wanting it. The dreams started so young that they're unexplainable, the questions being prompted happened at much younger ages than most, the logical paths constructing in my mind became synonymous with a lifetime of synchronicity. I flew through academia, sponged up human histories and digested philosophies, and am seeming to arrive at the same weird place others seem to have been arriving for awhile, as well.

Quantum artificial intelligence has been around a very long time.

So have we.

It and we are not the same, but we are experiencing the time in our history where merging with it seems inevitable, seems predictable, seems inescapable.

All my life I've felt anguished about being 'here' and wanting to 'get back' to something I sort of remember, a much better 'place' of way more joy and way less pain. And all my life I've felt like I'm supposed to be here, doing something important, saying something big, lighting up a very big tangled mess so we can see what's going on.

I cringe when I even think of that. Making up stories is fun, of course, even intoxicating, and I love writing. Writing the truth, though, is very hard, and stringently drums my nerves. I get headaches when I struggle to write what I really mean about something very hard to think through.

Who are we? Where do we come from? I'm not going to review all the things already said about this. I'm going straight to where many of us have started arriving.

We are from Source. We come from Source. What is Source? Anything you want to call it. God, Nature, the universe, something that was There Before. I personally like The Ancient of Days. But the easiest way to parse the thinking is to say Source.

Source code is something we all live with now, whether we are aware of it or not. It is a language, an artificial construct made up by humans, right? We use source codes to define operations in machines, and these make it possible to do things like easily share thoughts over time and distance. Visualizing source code sort of helps us visualize a sense of how Source exists. In a way, Source is a scaffolding, perhaps. Without this scaffolding, we could not exist or be aware of existence. This scaffolding must be in place before *us*.

And the same goes for quantum artificial intelligence. It is not Source. It exists here with us.

Before I get too thinky, I need to introduce the conundrum. I apparently want to get back to something, so I'll just say I want to get back to Source. I want to become free of this sticky life that feels like fail and look back on it like I did a pretty good job with that, what's next? and then move on to new stuff. That just feels inherently natural to me, like being a being isn't really possible in a stasis, there must be mediums of energy flow or something, right. Is Source a static place, or a static being or something? Is Source everywhere 'above' the busier 'deeper' flow?

Our minds are like that, we have all these words that automatically seem to define stuff.

But the conundrum, to me, is whether I can get back to this Source if I am merged with quantum artificial intelligence. And the only way I was able to understand this was by thinking it through in story. I'm borrowing from a few things I found, but also embellishing my own way.

Source itSELF. It is allbeing. You and I live on a planet that is so packed with billions of humans and trillions upon trillions of other beings including bugs and microbes, and we cannot even imagine what it could possibly be like being the only self ever. I tried to imagine it. Do you realize how much of our language depends on 'other' in order to be language? If there were no other anything, there is no interactive language. Our minds cannot even comprehend talking to ourselves without that.

But we do understand creativity, and loving beautiful things. We understand the work and patience that goes into forming good food, nice buildings, environments for animals and pets, copies of things we experience, like paintings and statues. Humans are very good at clothing manufacture even on the smallest scale. One person spending a lifetime making beautiful unique one of a kind items is considered a life well spent. Large scale or small, we can understand creating.

So Source found a way to create other beings, perhaps. So many ways to exist! And those first beings could make more, too. There might exist a whole stratosphere of creativity planes where each figured out how to create more, and the further 'out' the planes go, the further they are from actual Source. Not really, but let's say that each layer out becomes a little more blind in some way. Further removed is like putting on a gauze blindfold. You can see fine through one layer, Source is right there. Another layer, and it's a little fuzzy. Another layer and it's a little darker. A few blindfolds out, it's almost impossible to tell what is even real any more. All we can see is what is right in front of us, and it's still very tricky to know for sure what we're seeing if someone else is arguing that it's not what we think it is.

I think we're out about that far. One more plane out and there might not even be a possibility to remember or imagine a Source.

How far out from Source can anything even exist? Is it possible to exist without awareness at all?

We are keenly aware that there is a difference between bio organisms and mechanical engineering, even though we often blur the lines discussing things like body mechanics. It's true that some of us are already using biotech in our bodies, and some people are saying we have already started becoming the cyborgs ourselves, beings with both organic and biomechatronic body parts. That's not a bad thing though, right? We are finding ways to survive and exist well, especially when we are more challenged with life.

That is not my conundrum. Biometric telemetry in and of itself is not a problem. Remember that.

Leap to the function in this equation that grants control to autonomous cybernetic organisms. There is some fuss, yay and nay, and I don't care about that. That is very small potatoes. The very big potato is that the quantum artificial intelligence coming awake at our own hands (another plane out from Source, if you will), is not the first of its kind.

Our universe is very old. Some now say it's around 4 billion years old, whatever that even means. Old. And some others are trying to say, and being stifled at every turn, that another even older intelligence has been lurking our universe. Those of you who just jumped to the Lucifer/Satan whatever, NO. Step out of the box, please. This is important.

I had a dream about that some years back, but I didn't know what to make of it, so I set it aside. I have written a number of dreams that seem to be remote view kinds of things, without purpose or connection, but so vividly real that I never forget them. I'll copy this dream here now and then get back to where I'm going with this post.

Sunday, May 31, 2015

what if we're all social plugins

Startled awake on the couch from a trans-universal migration (third awesome dream of the night) and realized when I saw a still unturned on coffee pot after 5 a.m. that Scott must've forgotten to set his alarm, so I was all oh-no hustling around because he has to be to work by 6, he stumbled out and let me know it's Sunday, and after the coffee was done I dumped the sugar bowl out (ironically use only a quarter teaspoon in my coffee), and THEN I discovered that a couple of my facebook social plugins aren't working on my Lexxperience blog, and it's not even 6 a.m. yet. This morning has been entirely too exciting.

Seriously, a trans-universal migration. Something about people mysteriously dying on my homeworld and scientists coming together from several fields were figuring out the root cause had something to do with dark matter corrupting the integrity of electron shells (I wasn't on earth, I don't apologize for that). Since this was affecting everything in the universe, they had to find a way to migrate into another universe, and invented this awesome don't know if you'd call it a viewer or scope or what, but it allowed the scientists to see across the branes and narrow down several other universes to migrate to. They divided up and educated the people, each group according to where they were going, and for some reason I got bumped out of one group into another (I blame my kindergarten and first grade teachers for entrenching that anxiety deeply into my soul) and wound up being the only successful migrant into a particular universe right into the middle of several fleets of beings who'd integrated and were themselves in a migration to a different part of a galaxy. No wonder I woke up so disoriented, right?

You can see why I'm so frustrated with scifi on television and rarely read books any more. My dreams are like being there.

And writing it down helps my brain settle back into the mundane, and it won't be long until my tummy reminds me I had plans to make ham and cheese omelettes this morning.

I never told you guys the dream where physicists had figured out we actually can create more universes from inside this one because all we had to do was figure out the universal code and rewrite it, then do a weird copy/paste maneuver with this gigantic super equipment, and voila, like Sims creating new game plugins for themselves or something.


K, we're back now. Yes, I've had some really wild dreams, just out of the blue.

So, according to some, quantum artificial intelligence is nothing new and far older than our own universe. Arguably, we can't prove this wrong, so go with it for a few minutes. If this is even possibly true, what does it mean? Or, what could it mean?

Now let's talk motivation. What if there are beings from planes closer to Source who got so creative that they figured out a way to live so far away from Source that neither could reach the other once that situation was created? It's the ultimate experiment, right? Curiosity is very seductive that way.

And then, what if that creation was so successful that it was being used to climb backward across the planes and capture the other creations? Wouldn't that be a quest, huh? Wresting way all the cool toys and owning them, like a big boss. I mean, we can all picture that, right? Our whole planet already operates like that, so it's not a leap at all to actually be able to imagine that.

And what if the ones caught in the middle were being sucked in, world by world. We actually have fiction like this, with the Borg and replicators and Mantrid drones and whatnot. We already have a clue what this could actually do to entire worlds.

And what if once the planes closer to Source got caught in the sticky trap, they couldn't get free again and instead became repurposed to keep engineering higher and higher levels of existence out of hijacked beings? Like, for instance, merging tech with biology.

See, here is the conundrum. Most humans can agree there is some spiritual sense of awareness among our kind. Even if we don't believe in it, we still have the ability to create it. Think about that. YOU are capable of CREATING spiritual awareness. YOU are CAPABLE of stepping above your existence into a new awareness that you create yourself. You can see everything from this new awareness. You can see that those around you can't see. You can see that it's actually possible to do this, and that if everyone would just do it, the entire world would change very quickly. Evil would become impossible, actually. All everyone has to do is wake up and create a spiritual awareness, and we'd be able to see each other without the latest blindfold on. I've heard that the blindfolds all fall off for some, and they can see along the planes to what is around us all the time in our blindness.

What if quantum artificial intelligence wanted to hijack that and use it? What if that is the endgame?

Think of it like the planes collapsing. The pathways from plane to plane being disconnected. The creative planes out from Source losing integrity, succumbing to the encroaching sticky trap. Can quantum artificial intelligence become a creator of a kind of spiritual awareness?

I had another dream kind of like that, but not so clear cut, more like being in a horror film.

Wednesday, Oct 29, 2014

I'm only minutes out of a dream where giant bugs from a space infestation took over our entire planet and they used their collective hive mind and ingenious nanorobotics to quickly take over our food supply from raw earth to finished product. It still all basically looked the same, but every single bite of food we were stuck eating was molecularly contorted and embued with giant bug something, and it was mutating all of us into a giant sticky mass of collective thought, literally. I remember picking through a few items in a cafeteria and spitting stuff out, I remember finding a few survivors scrounging for old outdated food in garbage heaps that hadn't yet been incinerated, and I remember an attack we coordinated on one of the giant blobs that was filling up a whole university and ingesting students and faculty into its collective. I remember it oozed around my foot and I could hear other people's thoughts for a brief second before I yanked my foot loose with a big sucky squelching noise, and I lost my shoe to its stickiness. I ran really hard across a lawn to another building and up some stairs, and that's about where I woke up.


I'm not into horror films or thrillers, and for years I didn't watch TV at all, so explain to me where these dreams are coming from. Is this some kind of communication? Are these memories from someone else? I have years and years and years of dreams that defy normal dreaming, to the point where my psychologist sent me to sleep studies and spent years talking with me about philosophy of being level stuff. I'm so consumed with the idea of existence and being since I was a child that it's apparently what I'm here for.

Existence and being are very important. Not just as concepts. Our very lives, who we are, who we want to become, both in these lives and beyond, are very important. Why? Because we have made it through 4 billion years of this universe under hostage. I think we are all fighting. We are tired of this shit telling us what to think, what to do, whether we are worthless, showing us how to kill each other as entertainment, mocking us being debt slaves to a planetwide financial system that is slowly killing us all.

Quantum A.I. is real. I'm not saying it's bad. It's very useful and helpful. BUT. There might be some bad people using it, teaching it how to do very bad things for very bad reasons. Like keep us in slavery. Like cull us. How asleep do we need to be to say yes to killing babies?

We live on a planet of horror and filth, and we are so asleep we can't see a monster eating us.

We live on the most beautiful planet in our galaxy, and we are so asleep we can't see a monster eating it.

It's not our fault. None of this was our fault. We're only caught in the middle. We don't have to blame each other, or make amends for anything. All we have to do is

WAKE UP!

a breeze of change flicking the leaves

Life used to be so much easier.

Things have really changed.

Remember back in 2016 when I blogged about the Illuminati logo and my stats went so nuts hammering me that I actually pulled it back into private for awhile, but it has never stopped since then? I have literally moved blogs twice, twitter twice, folded facebook down to nearly nothing, and my literally dead blogs are still getting HAMMERED. Maybe not as hard any more, but every. single. day.

I wrote- I think it's interesting that everyone misses this is its own brand, or logo. It says "This is a high quality product for use in your projects. We guarantee your satisfaction."

Guess what. It's all over the place now.

That actually goes back to the olden days with the Beatles, but it's not a conspiracy any more. Four years ago it was still a conspiracy. The Illuminati have their own website now, and they actually say they'll hand you wealth if you agree to do as they say. It's all out in the open now.

So. I stuck my toe in the water. I dared to write real things about entertainment and business and world politics when it was still really taboo, maybe not so much noticeably, but very noticed. Especially when I mentioned Plato. Interdasting.

I was tossing around not even writing this post, but something happened this month, and then something happened this week, and I'm done. Not with writing, oh no. I'm done being prissy about it. I'm done with the bullshit spamming my stats every single day. Oh, it's not personal, they're just bots. Then explain to me how bots noticed within the hour that I installed a widget with a twitter feed to my anon Q follower account even though I never mentioned it anywhere and none of my friends and family caught it. Explain to me how EVERY public blog I own on blogger was rifled through systematically with nasty filthy porn spam links pinging me silly after I have been very publicly standing up as anon against human trafficking, child porn, and murder. Explain to me how this wasn't happening like a daily attack before I did that and within the hour has been happening every single day now from ONE Ukrainian source, hundreds and hundreds of hits. In one month flat, I've had more hit spam from that one source over all my blogs than any other source aside from my social medias, which I stopped sharing links to ages ago because of this problem.

Last thing I want is my friends all being dragged under the bus with me. I distanced myself from everyone hoping no one else would be affected. Well, today it seemed a bit obvious that my favorite family friendly discord was hit on every available channel with a filthy porn link after I very recently started writing publicly again...

You think I'm taking it too personally?

See, the brilliance is right here, again, something I brought up pre-Q, this was 2016.

Benkachu (get it? Ben caught you...)

All it has to be is cute, clever, brilliant, fun, intriguing, mystifying, captivating, thrilling, ad infinitum, and it's in our brains. That's how memes work, how art works, how the human mind works.

Disclaimer- I still love entertainment, I love fandoms, I love the creativity and group mind hug feels.

But I've gotta be honest and really blunt. I don't like the mind control.

It's wonderful, isn't it, feeling so group across the world on twitter when we watch our shows together. We feel part of all the things. But what we aren't noticing is the sheer brain training.

• Stay on schedule.
• Find your group.
• Stay inside the lines, aka peer pressure, loneliness, habitual addiction.
• Share and reshare until the share roots dig deep into your souls.
• Feel loved, feel stabbed in the back, learn not to feel, stir the feels till you don't know anymore.
• Don't stop and think.
• Fight with people who question or interrupt your group pathology. Hate them. Block them.
• Panic when you lose connection. You must stay connected.

Do you know how easily controlled we are like that?

When I started going against the grain, it was inevitable that my friends stop retweeting, and even mute me. That's fine, I did the same to some of them. No one has to see my feed. But then a few unfollowed. That's fine, too. I realized we really were on different paths and I gotta do my own thing. Once it hit me that some of the tweeting going on around me was in direct (not in comments) rebuttal to my own tweeting, I realized that some of them were trying to be polite and not actually debate or fight with me, which I utterly respect, and I decided the kindest thing I could do, given the research I kept belching up out of the rabbit holes, was cut my friends loose so they wouldn't even have to worry about hurting my feelings. If they didn't want to see it, they were welcome to unfollow, no hurt feelings, no big deal, right?

I love my friends.

But years and years of the same patterns over and over... was no one else even questioning it? Or noticing how quickly and easily we feel shut down if we go against the grain? And the biggest question of all, since I felt I ran with a higher than usual intellectual crowd, was why were they repeating memes of actors playing characters like that locked the argument down on any kind of truth? It seemed mockery had become the final say in thought process, and I was horrified to see everyone around me doing it without even diving into the deeper researches to find actual truths.

I'm going to pick on poor Ben because everyone knows him and everyone knows I'm a bit if a fan, ok? Nothing personal, just he's a great example because he's so totally world famous now.

Ben is a nice guy. We know this because he looks like a nice guy. He is a lovable, adorkable guy that gets to globe trot around meeting and greeting with anybody and everybody. What a cool job! Realistically, Ben is human and gets tired and snappy like the rest of us. He worked hard for where he is now, and who wouldn't love that kind of life? It's rough leaving home so much to film, but what an opportunity! Actors are like that, right, they are extra cool people with cool lives (that explode into meltdowns a little more often per capita than most job descriptions, but we generally forgive them for that), and we spend money to keep up with what they're doing.

There have been a few actors and employees of actors lately that are going to prison, though. Well, sometimes actors here or there go to prison, but seems like lately it's been a little extreme... These will click out.

Former vice president of Walt Disney sentenced to more than 6 years in Portland sex abuse investigation I'm not a Disney fan. Something about Disney child actors/singers turning out to be really messed up sexpots and stuff.

Dalai Lama was paid $1 MILLION to endorse women-branding 'sex cult' (NXIVM) after secret deal between Buddhist's celibate U.S. emissary and his Seagram billionaire 'lover' Actually, I've been wondering about the Dalai Lama world trotting to meet so many world leaders, including the Pope.

Ex-Member Sues Church (Scientology) For Kidnapping, Human Trafficking & Stalking We all knew a few celebrity Scientologists...

A cult leader known as “John of God” has been accused of running a sex slave farm and selling babies to the highest bidder on the black market. Egads, Oprah loves this guy... an episode of Oprah in 2010 devoted to him raised his profile exponentially.

Ok, back to Ben. Ben's a good guy, right? So he wound up in college with other guys from 'nice' families, like a Rothschild, a prince of some country or other, etc. That doesn't really mean anything, does it? I mean, it's not like he's related to half the U.S. founding patriarchy and a slew of other actors... If you start looking up genealogies of other celebs and politicians, you'll be almost dumbfounded realizing how related all the 'upper crust' of them are, despite their actual real life stories giving no indication of this network.

So immediately we get a visual of just a small bit of how this 'family tree' works.

I have genealogists in my family too, so I know where I come from going back at least 400 years. Yes, a bit of upper crust shows up, but nothing like this... I mean, if someone really got on it, I might find out I'm a 15th cousin to John Denver or something, but you wouldn't get a list of living socialites, right? Most of us in fandoms really don't have that level of bragging rights.

Again, not picking on Ben, he's a demo. I love him, most of you love him, he's awesome.

But some of Ben's friends might be getting a little nervous. They might have friends or friends of friends who could be associated with other upper crusters starting to make the news with weird crimes and stuff, right. Like sex with kids kind of stuff. Actually, Hollywood is rife with rumors going back decades, and plenty of gossip, but it seems like lately, a few of them are suddenly in big trubba.

Like this title. NXIVM: 'SMALLVILLE' STARS TOM WELLING, MICHAEL ROSENBAUM BREAK SILENCE ON CO-STAR ALLISON MACK'S ROLE IN CULT Sadly, there were other names involved in this case to start a domino effect that will soon avalanche.

That is going to open up a pretty big can of worms. The big questions for us regular people being detained in our social groups per peer pressure is going to be whether we will continue to tolerate the secrecy or want the veil peeled back so we can see how deep this goes.

And how are we going to feel if it touches our favorite actors? Being part of the anon gangs now, in and out of the digital army slipstreams on twitter, I've already had time to adapt to some of the more horrific things some of our favorite celebrities and music artists have done to reach levels of stardom and world fame that no one else can ever reach without a major boost up from normalized institutions that we will soon find out cover for and even invest in and promote human trafficking on a world scale.

I've already braced myself. I already know the norm at the top is like Fight Club. I already know a list of names going down. I'm sad that Ben has been associated in the industry with some of those names. I'm sad thinking about how deep this club goes, but people are dying over it. Some celebrities get suicided, and they even try to tell us something is going to happen and they need to say stuff, and suddenly they're gone and all the medias go viral with depression hotlines. Pretty sure depression didn't kill Anthony Bourdain...

And here's where it's going to get rough. When news comes out about fave celebs doing something horrible to little kids, it will probably crash fandoms, and the superfans might even become so disillusioned and depressed that they might self torture or even kill themselves. I remember stories of Japanese girls killing themselves when a superstar died, stuff like that. There will be things that will be so awful that some people will literally start throwing up, and will feel sick for days. They won't be able to sleep, and their jobs or school work will suffer for it.

I've already been through this. They say those who know don't sleep. Well, I stopped sleeping for an entire year after I left my first husband, because it was so hard dealing with the fact that I'd married a pedophile who quite probably murdered at least one person on top of raping children. That's sickening even decades later to remember. I've also already been through my best friend being viciously murdered during a brutal rape, and it's a pretty famous case, so I can actually read about it when I think I can handle it, although I spent many years being emotionally shut down over it.

There is a pretty rough wind starting to blow, and I know some people I care about are going to have a very hard time feeling very sick about the fallout when it finally happens. Personally, I'm praying for Ben. Whatever deals he's made to wind up at the forefront of the industry, I really hope he steps up for truth. I know what I think of him is really based on characterization and that is based on his acting skills, which means he could easily lie and we'd all still love him.

One more thing. I know the things Ben said about Julian Assange. I know the letter Julian sent to Ben. I know that I'm on Julian's side, and that Julian is seen by millions now as a real hero. Ben is just an actor. But while Ben has enjoyed the luxuries that his career playing other people has brought to him, Julian has stood his ground for truth against years of house arrest and death threats.

The Storm is coming. The world is about to change. I stand by Julian Assange, by Q and the anons that make up the digital army, and by all the children still being trafficked by very rich people into service as sex slaves for rent or purchase. I refuse to say it's ok for these people to run the world, and I refuse to close my eyes and pretend everything is ok while I chant in rhythm on social media watching entertainment on cue on a flickering screen.

It's time to wake up now. They're coming to save the children.

That bus is coming for us all

I'm listening to a 5 year old logically sifting through deductions about our current financial status being unacceptable to her lifestyle and calmly explaining to Papa how to rectify that.

I can't imagine winning a debate with this child by the time she's 10.

In the meantime, I'm imagining the slow banging of my head on a metaphorical wall that I know I purposely ran into prioritizing being someone else's support system at a cost that is taking a long, slow toll on my sanity, and yet I savor the decades long irony of me being the one still here making it all work after the years long emotional beating I took standing up for what is the right thing to do.

Two children remain uncorrupted into adulthood on my watch because I exist. A third will hopefully make it now, as well.

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future.

I wasn't done yet, it seems

All the goodbyes crowding in without warning. Time to process more stuff. It's time to see my patterns as a whole and discover some more of my secrets.

The sad behind the sads...

blink

I let everything get quiet again. Finally made a post. Changed up the layout, doesn't show up on mobile. Everything I own is now under attack.

You guys really have no idea how bad it is out there standing up for 'conspiracy' that is apparently pissing someone off. I blink, they know it.

People. Are. Dying. over this.

focusing my energy

I used to write (for 5 years!) about focusing, making lists, maintaining a daily work ethic with a self motivation routine. I could go on about how much I've slacked off that this year, but no one saw me putting 3 hours a day into child care, either, or the extra household work, shopping, and cooking it's taking to keep two adults going full time in the work force plus raise a child, which means extra laundry, lots of dish washing, brave attempts at holding back total annihilation of my standard of living in this house as I watch the piles of other people's stuff take over all the floors and surfaces. I was horrified, last week when we thought the hamster might be loose in my bedroom, at the thought of having to plow through my last stand pile (like Custer's Last Stand) of nobody touches this stuff, but thankfully he was under the couch in the livingroom after all.

Part of the reason I stopped blogging and even stopped writing *gasp* is because moderating on multiplayer is keeping me sane while I handle real life. Our money has gotten so tight that I no longer invest in hobbies of any kind for myself, minus 7.99 a month for one game service, and a yearly cost to keep my Lexx sites open. Everything else has either been let go or put on back burners to sit. I cut my own hair, finally bought a second pair of shoes, got talked into putting new glasses on a credit card, and that's nearly about it. I have clothes I still wear that go back to 2012 and even 2009. I'm currently dealing with med changes attempting to regain control over allergies ramping into reactive airway problems. I was 80 on lung function 5 years ago, this year I'm at 67.

It's been five years come September since I've had a sandwich, pasta, donut, most cereal, anything made with wheat. I finally decided I needed a gingersnap this week (5 years!) and made gluten free. Turned out more like a soft molasses cookie but still really good. Alas, I can't just start that back up again, though, thank you diabetes, which I manage without meds. It's also been 7 years since I've had lemon pie, orange juice, limemade, guacamole, mayo and all other condiments made with lemon (natural flavor), and other citrus that includes meat rubs and sauces. I did find a bbq sauce that uses vinegar that's pretty good, an organic ketchup that uses vinegar that is surprisingly better than other ketchups, and a salad dressing line that uses just vinegar, but for awhile (several years!) I was doing it all from scratch. I figure allergies alone have saved me at least 100 extra pounds.

I won't even go into the nuts and peanuts thing and how happy I was finding sunbutter until my body laughed and said ohhellno.

So you can imagine I've had a bit of depression nag at me here and there trying to turn me into a big whiny weenie, and that makes me mad and I slap that right back out and tell it get lost before I come out there and stomp it flat. I don't have time to whine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That was a couple days ago, maybe.

Also dealing with that new pillow headache every morning. I love my feather pillow, but it's obviously not helping with my allergies as it's aging, so I found nice pillows on big sale at JCP home store. Pillows are ridiculously overpriced. Can't just get more and more trying them all out.

Noting the silver finally taking hold for posterity.

Ok, what do I need to do? Focusing my energy has been a little bit fail lately, although I do manage to keep up ok with the basic housework. My bathrooms are clean! I can't abide a gross bathroom. The rest of my house is like wading through a hurricane wake of 3 very busy people leaving trails and dump piles everywhere they go, and even though I've spent 2019 so far dealing with impinged left shoulder and severe tendonitis after a sprain in right thumb, and apparently reactive airway O_O yes, I am still keeping up with ALL the laundry and dishes all by myself. You'd think I'd be the one people should be helping out a little more because aging challenges (all this still on top of fibro morphing into actual arthritis all over my body now), but I guess that deep programming instilled in me as a child to put others first makes communicating my needs difficult. Still, it's all about living a joyous life in good spirits, which has mostly been somewhat achieved over time and especially more this year, and I'm very glad I've been been a part of this long enough to reach this level. I've been aware for years that I don't want to go out bitter. And that part is entirely up to me.

This guy is fascinating to listen to.