I hate it when I snap. I mean, I wind up in much prettier and safer places than I used to, but stepping out sometimes is just that much of a challenge. All it takes sometimes is one person to trigger every bad and wrong thing and I'm ready to Sarah Connor all over them.
Best take a step back.
I mean, yes, I have been stepping back, but maybe not back far enough. It's getting so bad now that even a minor encounter sets it off, and all the bad and negative vibes I feel coming through the webs suddenly channel into me like I'm loading up a cannon, and the only way I don't blast holes and leave bodies is just gtf outa there.
It's a rough war on everyone. We're all hurting.
Ikr, I'm still getting off the xanax. I'm down to .0625 on a good day now. That's ridiculous, you say, but tonight I'm taking .125 just to calm down and it will actually work. I'm that dependent. Doctors scoff, but it's like glucose to a diabetic, doesn't take much if you are insulin dependent to screw up up, right. I'm super sensitive to meds, thanks to years and years of nerve damage and handfuls of pills I've managed to get off of.
The person triggering me apparently doesn't have a clue what this level of PTSD is even like, so bless their heart. It was all I could do not to shred them with slavering drool leaking out one side of my mouth. At least it felt that way. And it's over nothing, it's just I'm so tired of the same whine grind over and over and over. Some people really don't know how to reign it in gracefully. And I've been there. I've totally been there. I've been in that dark place where I drove everyone away, and I get it. I'm just not the best person to respond helpfully to that yet. Got more growing and healing to do.
More chill to do.
