I made my first tres leche cake with coconut milk. It turned out well, but turns out I'm not a tres leches fan.
Kiddo and I made it through 4 days of spring break together. I reached dizzying new heights of stamina and endurance. I couldn't have pulled it off without the medrol pack. I also lost 5 pounds. Rethinking my weight loss strategy.
Finally got that steroid shot in my bad shoulder. I'm sad that it's only partially working, which means I may wind up in surgery around that nerve/joint later on.
Internet has been maddeningly intermittent for several days, but I reached a point of meh and got more of my house cleaned.
Despite disappearing a bit and shutting down multiple accounts, Pinky blog is still being hit every day from all over the world, and Janika Banks still scores above a 6.0 on webmii.
I've been extremely cognizant of April coming this year, thanks to last year's Pinky blog 'we' breakdown of April. Whatever breakthrough I made with that was huge. I've made appointment to start back up with psychologist in May after half a year on break.
Got new glasses ordered. Back to wire frames.
Super lurked a few people. Hugged you guys in my head.
If you made it through Pinky blog, you know where my head is through April. 💜
So I plowed half a jar of sunbutter out over about 3 days and finally decided I couldn't ignore the third time I rashed up on my throat and chest and inside my stomach felt itchy the way peanut butter used to. I guess sunflower allergy is a big bad crossover antigen thing for some people.
Was playing around with my 3D paint the other night. Tried to wrangle a sticker into clipart, but I need to study more first before I get it right. I also gave up on the 3D text for the time being. But here you go in case you're wanting to do more, too.
Ok, you looked? Good. Guys, I haven't had any form of peanut butter or nuts or even other legumes since 2011. After a lifetime of gallons of peanut butter in all its glorious forms, I went into superfail overdrive with a nut allergy (cashews) after I started itching like mad around peanut butter. I ran into that sunflower seed butter a few days ago and mmmmmmmm.
I'm on meclizine this week for vertigo. So far it's not horrible, but we're nipping that in the bud before it can be, right. Just finished zpack, experimental open/close testing is being conducted, and I wanna keep my tummy right where it is till my earballs get that all figured out. 5 weeks of blocked ear is 4 weeks too many. Super chill brain is waving hi from a beach somewhere along the equator. We love meclizine.
Sprained thumb says hi. Valiant hand took the damage diverting a fall. It wants to be on a beach with brain but I'm a slave driver. I'm also not capitulating to its need for luxury validation.
You can see I'm not terribly artsy.
*wandering back to minecraft* Gotta go play with my blocks.
I am so far behind anything substantial that it's almost ridiculous trying to keep making lists about things needing to get done soon.
Things that have actually gotten done in the last 24 hours-
Brutal deep tissue therapy
Many hours of childcare
Restocking food
Assessing priorities
Plugin meeting
5 hours of sleep
Today I must absolutely tear my fridge apart making sure we're not wasting anything forgotten, and catch up on laundry. Again.
No, I haven't rested. I know, someone my age in my condition is supposed to be resting.
Oh, yeah, the 6400+ media graphics G+ is dumping out of my blogger albums because why the hell not. All systems divert to saving content I've already copied over to final destination...
I also started a whine blog. It's been public, but now it's linked. No frills.
The super sourtude that broke out in the patriot camps this past week seems to have hit my house square, and I'm having my own personal semi-uncontrollable mood meltdowns daily now. Considering the spiritual warfare going on, the timing is understandable. I'm finding it unacceptable, though. I don't know how to make it stop. I haven't been able to withdraw and hide in game like I use to, thanks to new demands and challenges being met, particularly last night being so disrupted and this morning being so miserable for those of us here in the house that we can barely function normally. I have no idea how my blood pressure has been lower than my norm this week, but two different doctors confirmed 110 or less over the 70s. That is unheard of in my history under this level of stress.
I haven't reflected in awhile, so let me divert for a few and see where this goes.
I was picking kiddo up from school a few days ago, super downpour going on and ridiculously stupid getting into the school even with umbrellas, soaked to my knees somehow, but I digress. I was waiting for kiddo to pack up and another older woman showed up, saying it was her first time picking up a grandkid, where to sign out, etc. She took the chair by the signout table and started talking, like people do. She was too young at 45 to become a gramma, and by the way it's Nana. Her oldest is 10 years old, and apparently her whole life is about being Nana. She's a Nana. She seemed a bit worn out and I could have sworn she was in her 60s, all gray, a little bent, very tired. She's younger than me.
Here I was standing around waiting because I am able. My hair isn't even gray yet, still naturally it's own color. I'm not wrinkled enough for anyone to think I'm past my 40s. Somehow I am keeping up, doing more work then I ever did in my 30s, even keeping a fragile grasp on better health in general, faking it for all the world because I don't look my age. No one can see how fail my arms are, how difficult my spinal pain makes everything, how hard it is for me to keep dragging around trying to smile. It's all a charade.
And now I'm having meltdowns. Aging brains have a harder time maintaining composure. I watched my mom go through that.
Being tired at this age goes far beyond being tired in one's 30s, no matter how much sleep is lost, meals are missed, and problems arise for middle age. 'Younger' adults cannot even conceive of what it's like to have all the same problems all over again at twice the age with three times the physical problems and more mounting all the time.
Yesterday my massage therapist let me know most normal people that she works on with my level of muscle hardness at least groan when she works that hard on the tough areas. I never breathed a sound. I enjoyed it.
Imagine hurting so badly so continually that it feels wonderful for someone to make you hurt more, to make you feel beat up, to make you feel like they are trying to make you cry.
And still I survived a nearly sleepless night with a tiny sleepwalker and woke to an early riser who wet the bed and now I'm using these poor arms to stuff a huge comforter into the wash again, a week after I did the same thing for puke after kiddo's big night out at the movie theater. I'm washing and folding extra loads of sheets that aren't being washed in clinic because the inconvenience for all of us would be even worse. I'm driving extra, cooking extra, doing extra dishes daily on top of my own life.
I by no means regret this life choice, but all boiled down, if the world burns and the internet goes dark, there is nothing I can do to stop it and I'm not going to make the choice to bail on my family to salvage stuff any more.
I can see the visits that pin certain posts in other countries because what I take the time to say in some of these posts is that important. I really hope you guys are making backup copies somewhere. If blogger goes down on the heels of G+, it's just all gone. I chose G+ and blogger because it seemed the safest. I guess I was naive to the evils of big corp owning and controlling thought transmissions. That's what this is, guys. Our thought transmissions being controlled by media giants. The big lure, no promises. They owe us nothing while they rake in yuge moneh all over the world.
Back to the reflection. I'm obviously superwoman. I'm in better shape than many women my age, despite the constant setbacks and the years of crawling I did out of the abyss of failing health. Many women my age are having heart attacks, falling and breaking bones, dealing with cancers, have already lost a spouse or are dealing with divorces late in life, etc. I feel like my whining is futile, a poor diversion in my time budget, but something that needs addressing asap since I seem unable to stop the meltdowns lately. My appointment back to psychologist doesn't happen until May. I see psychiatrist before the end of this month. I may be asking for assessment this year. I may wind up with a diagnosis I've been trying to put off for a very long time. Problems in my family include schizophrenia, personality disorders, and Alzheimers. I'm already living with undocumented time and sometimes place disorientation per the last 6 years of Pinky blog. I'm autist with pain and mood disorders, delayed emotional processing, and mildish narcissism now dealing with aging brain. By the time my mother was this age she had started having mini strokes. In 4 years I'll be the age she was with right side deficit and speech problems from a major stroke. It would be silly of me not to get back on track with my health team monitoring my mental state.
This reflection comes full circle back to the corporate giants that keep us so destitute that even trying to live lower middle class is a losing game of mountainous debt while they get richer on keeping us distracted with our 'purchasing power'.
We're living check to check. We've cleaned off credit. We pay all our bills. We own aging cars. I finally threw a sweater away this week that was 15 years old. I'm scraping nickels and dimes together to get new glasses this year. I own one pair of shoes.
The choices we make every single day determine how gracefully we go down later. Fresh food is more important to me than getting my nails done. Staying ahead of the brain fog is way more important to me than subscriptions to streaming services.
Stuff like that.
Quality of life on this planet is extremely important, and being addressed. I'm waiting for the changes. If I'm lucky I'll get another ten years, and I very much want to enjoy every minute of them.
Tomorrow will be two months since I stopped eating chocolate forever. 😭
Ok, now I'm super bummed in a meh kind of way. I just discovered half my blogger pics aren't working. Ug. Some of the ones missing on my blogs still show up as copied to other places, so blogger still hosts them, and some still click back to sources even though they are missing from blogger. Google hates me.
I found my google archive. The pix are arranged in albums labeled by blog. The albums say how many files are in them but the pix don't show in most of them. I'm seeing the message "Photos and videos from Google+ in your Album Archive will be deleted as early as April 2, 2019." Sweet... They dumped mine earlier. Nice. Pretty sure I had found a place explaining that we wouldn't be losing our album archives. I just added them up, 6407 altogether. 5 years of uploaded pix.
Ok, found an article dated a couple months ago that they *will* be deleting the pix, too. I'm having fun with this bit. "You can download and save your content, just make sure to do so before April. Note that photos and videos backed up in Google Photos will not be deleted." Um, it's still March. My stuff is gone. Helloooo.
So why is my google album page still there if all the stuff is gone.
Just a reminder that I'm still in meh mode. I've known something like this was coming ever since the big google hearings. I won't be at all surprised if blogger fails rapidly, too.
We made it through nearly a solid month of school out for weather, influenza and cold viruses, and more school out for weather, and now that we're finally pulling out of all that, kiddo pukes up a bed and a bathroom and the carpet in between. Might be a fun weekend.
So you guys know I pulled my main blogs out of listing and search engines, right. Apparently that's not a deterrent. If anything, that has made me even more visible now. Can't tell if link sharing is happening or a single person read half the posts on a blog or someone is actively looking for and/or saving content that isn't supposed to be readily searchable any more, but since I let go of statcounter, I've gotta just keep ignoring hundreds of hits coming in on other blogs.
I'm still here, guys. I know I got way more boring and I'm not making it easy lately, but you have all you need to actually find me anywhere and everywhere. And it's not forever. I'm not deleting content.
I still come up in search engines, even using google search on chrome. My pinky blog doesn't come up till second page now for me, but I do clearly get results. This was the first one, lmao. Not long till April, so there you go, my angst in all its glory.
Oh, good lord. This is my public webmii score today. Even closing accounts and going dark I just keep floating higher. 😑 Compare that to the last time I looked. And the time before.
😐
Anyway, life keeps exploding, last night rather spectacularly, and somehow I keep doing things while I feel like I'm drowing in way too much. If I've learned anything from public blogging, it's that my mantra is distraction while I plow through walls, so back to the grind, right. My to-do list just keeps getting longer.
Oh, yeah. It wouldn't be complete without mentioning pollen. Click to go.
Always new and fun ways to discover problematic life challenges may be related to past treatments. I'm experiencing increased neuropathies on doxycycline, so after 7 days of it, naturally I got curious enough to start looking things up. Discovered I'm taking a dose considered high for extreme infections, and I barely got a nod for a sinus infection, so that's a bit aggressive considering the virulent colds and flus and allergies plaguing my area. It's not like I've got a deeply entrenched lower respiratory infection or anything, not even strep. I didn't even have ear infections. But I digress.
So I wandered around doxycycline neuropathy tie-ins and wound up on an article I can't see because I'm not registered and therefore not logged in, but I can see comments, heh. This is completely unrelated because different antibiotic family, but dang if I haven't been pulled off cipro a couple times for severe pain in my legs... And super dang if that didn't happen prior and in conjunction with me becoming so ill that I had to quit work and eventually wound up getting disability on the first try. But here is what Lisa commented in 2014 on that article.
It's nice to see that after the warning label for Ciprofloxacin got to 43 pages, it finally piqued the interest of the medical community. I suppose that a 40 page warning label and thousands of patients screaming about the ill effects of fluoroquinolones wasn't quite enough. There are hundreds of peer-reviewed articles noting that fluoroquinolones have deleterious effects on mitochondria. There are thousands of other peer reviewed articles that note that mitochondrial damage leads to oxidative stress which leads to multi-symptom, chronic illness. Mitochondrial damage and ensuing oxidative stress have been connected with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Cancer, Fibromyalgia, Gulf War Syndrome, Autism, Alzheimer's Disease, Parkinsons and many other chronic illnesses. Those in the medical profession have been negligent as they have looked the other way while giving out millions of prescriptions for these drugs. It's not that difficult to put together the pieces - the rise in chronic, multi-symptom, "mysterious" diseases of modernity have gone up hand in hand with prescriptions for fluoroquinolones. The effects of these drugs are often delayed and there is a tolerance threshold for them under which they are well tolerated, but once the individual's tolerance threshold is crossed, they cause chronic illness. Willful ignorance is no excuse when there is this much scientific, peer reviewed evidence damning these toxic drugs. Keep saying that severe adverse effects are rare - it won't become true, but it might make you feel better about the sorry state of medicine.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Today
I'm enjoying my yearly spring cleaning fever, purging a bit more than usual this go-round. Threw a pile of old tupperware away that my mom couldn't throw away 20+ years ago when she gave it to me, and she died ten years ago, so... Got to thinking about her parents' generation being the one caught between abject poverty with bread lines and the sprouting of dime stores and fashion in retail across 'Murica, and suddenly people were able to afford nice things. My grandmother had full collections of bells, carnival ware, fine china and especially teacups, and more. My mom traded fine things for real life, preferring to give money away to others needing help even to the point of her own poverty, but somehow some of the collecting of things turned into her own odd and unique piles that she couldn't seem to simply let go of. Some of it came home with me one day, and I seem to have been dealing with weird compulsions to use everything up until it's useless (like the older gens) and other weird compulsions to purge it out and let it go (donation bins, recycling centers, trash...), and I guess I've developed the oddest loyalty to the old tupperware. I barely use it, lids missing, the old plastic seems to be aging somehow (breaking down? *ew*), and I realized yesterday that an entire section of cabinet could be opened up by just letting all that go.
If you think about it, the gens growing up under those mind skews wound up becoming a weird kind of guilt hoarder, and half our houses are devoted to salvage for things previous gens couldn't throw away. I cannot tell you how I loathe looking at swaths of my life in this house struggling with that. I had dreams of how I wanted to do this house, 25+ years have slid past me now, and the money is no longer there and I no longer care. I realized my entire life has actually been about sorting and sifting through other people's trash.
Oh, well.
I'm trying to get back on track with my CPAP. I got bombed off during the 2 week cold, and even a week into doxy for resulting sinus infection has me still dealing with mild snot and super plugged ears. Somehow I've made it past cedar and juniper pollen to spring pollen and I haven't once dealt with actual allergies as far as I can tell (I continued the zyrtec throughout regardless) until the last couple days. My head was too full of virulent snot the whole time to be able to respond to pollen at all. How convenient.
I was wondering a few days ago how I don't miss chocolate since I stopped eating it, well, being a snothead for a solid month can certainly get in the way of enjoying food. I sincerely don't miss chocolate at all.
Pinky blog was thoroughly searched for 'xanax and coffee' the other day. Thoroughly. Completely unlisted Pinky blog to search engines, and they're still coming in on cached. I did a very good job with that blog. I showed y'all how to play the game, and it still goes on without me. Also, since unlisted it, I can see other search engine referrals taking over. Google doesn't own the whole internet, apparently.
I'm so heavily shadowbanned on FB now that it doesn't even matter if I'm there. This is the month major portions of it go poof. Anything left there will only be so I can maintain a presence for Lexx.
EMG was just arms this time, confirmed not spine (thankyouthankyou), so next step is touch base with shoulder doc sometime this spring, likely cortisone shot next. Had yearly with endocrinologist last month, said he had pinched nerve in shoulder and that's a pretty brutal condition to live with, so validation, yay. I'm sure my former physical therapy team's toes would all be curling watching me still powering through, although I've been learning to move differently so the inflammation can abate. The referring pain hasn't been nearly as jolting last few weeks. Neurologist confirmed yesterday that the inflammation and pain can totally refer back all over the place, so everything on left side from neck to ribcage being involved isn't a surprise. It's up to me to REST.
Body: Pinky, dear, the doctors said to get some REST. Brain, not looking up and finally calling back after a few minutes of not appearing to have heard: Just a minute, mom, I'm still doing this thing. And this list of things. And that other thing.
Yeah, like that.
Meanwhile, all the needle sites are whiny.
~wandering off for hours~
I usually don't let myself 'go there', the ol' self infliction thing, but about 8 tense seconds slipped in where I thought about how difficult it's been over this last year holding fatness to a stable plateau (I'm so surprised sometimes it's not worse) when a particular node in the lower back of my brain conglomerate cleared its little throat to get my attention and then reminded me I'm still 25 pounds under my worst and never gained that back in the meantime all these years, and a jillion little huzzahs went up in all the surrounding nodes, and I have felt much better about it all day.
So this happened.
Notice the support Notch got.
Then this happened, lotta my friends actually probably saw this.
Then this happened.
Ok, how many of you know what that means, "It's time for the Q"?
No one has asked Trump yet "Who is Q?" Because he's obviously 'working with' Q, whatever or whoever that is, and the 'news' certainly hasn't asked in an official capacity because they're afraid of opening a big ol' can of worms.
By the way, if you don't know who Notch is, that's sad.
From all accounts I've run into, the Q team is 7 both active and retired military officers, and 3 non military, presumably one being POTUS.
Q clearance is a real thing, which has probably lent to mainstream trying to force it into 'conspiracy'.
The significance of Q in social media is the way intel has been bypassing mainstream news outlets into social medias to deliver key intelligence to the public in an effort to keep some of the population calmer than they'd have been without any information at all, since we are very literally in a world war the likes of which have never been seen before, because it's mostly being fought digitally. Although mainstream may not publicly appreciate this (ask why they wouldn't jump on the chance to report this themselves), the Q movement has been worldwide for some time now, and whether Americans see it or not, massive political upheaval is going on with Q showing up on medias all over the globe.
It should be very concerning that Americans in general seem to be the least aware of what's really going on with this 'conspiracy' and keep sympathizing with the baddies who literally own the networks and tell people how to think. I never realized just how God our networks have become until the Q movement showed up. I personally think it's more than Orwellian scary that so many people I know are so mesmerized by anything entertainment that they can't seem to think outside the TV box, as it were.
Click for stuff-
So that's why I stopped tweeting with my gangs. Everything is changing. There are too many reveals coming out about the entertainment industry for me to enjoy the tweet gangs any more, and I know now why we've been kept so distracted in the first place. To go back to that while I'm trying to keep up with several hours of deep research every single day is just too taxing. Family first.
Click for source-
Silence against evil is consent.
I can't do that. I'm not sorry.
There are people in the entertainment industry holding their tongues about some very ugly things, probably like people who stay in abusive families even though they know it's unhealthy and even a risk to their own lives. Except entertainers are owned and really do get killed. I'm very angry that we are expected to not only support lifestyles of the rich and famous and hold them up like demi-gods, but give them free passes to bad behaviors just because they are entertainers, which totally covers up and supports the agents and owners above them who not only break laws routinely, but commit abuses on people that would make most of us sick for the rest of our lives if we could see it.
I'm having a very hard time disentangling the information I'm finding (that go far beyond the scant reporting from mainstream) from the blissfully ignorant person I used to be just enjoying television.
If you knew without a doubt, having pictures spread out in front of you, including old photographs and newspaper clippings, about an actor making jokes about all the teenagers and even younger kids they'd taken to bed (read raped), would you be able to watch movies starring them? If you knew someone had died from drug abuse after growing up in Hollywood and trying to tell people how often they'd been raped on TV sets and at parties growing up, would you be able to watch movies starring them?
Now here is the critical question.
If you know that there was an actor who had grown up with and starred in the same movies as those others and was one of the holdouts NOT telling the truth about what really happened, would you ever feel like reading their tweets again?
Because I finally realized just how twisted my life as a fan was looking up to someone who covered for the baddies while their fellow actors were trying to stand up and let people know what was going on.
And then my eyes opened, and I can only now see that actor as someone who is constantly using fame and depression as a way to get attention. Not to really deal.
*I* deal. I don't have an army giving me emotional support no matter what I write every single time I write. My own friends stop talking to me because of stuff like this. I have been more up front and honest about my real life than quite a few people who live in the spotlight, and I feel fairly experienced with dealing with scraping out my soul in front of people, and obviously not getting attention over it.
I've had a lot to think about.
I'm done pretending things are funny when they're disgusting. I see no need or reason to fight against a current I don't fit into. Others will wake up sooner or later, and their waking might be more jolting than mine was if they wait till the floodgates of reveals are finally open and get it all at once. I found a lot of it quite shocking, and I thought I was pretty numb inside all my life. I'm sick, I'm disgusted, and I'm very angry.
I hope the Q plan changes the whole world. I hope all the walls come tumbling down. I hope all the nightmares will soon be over. I hope the nasty bad guys ruining the world all around us get removed out of the way so we can finally live the way we're supposed to, without fear, without everything in our lives around us being toxic, without having to shoulder through every day's depression like the storms of life are our own faults, when all day and night we are shoved around from one institution to another laying out our life plans. Feel stuck where you live? Can't just pick up and move? Exactly my point.
This vid says it perfectly. At some point, you have to ask Why the f* is this person so surrounded by pedophiles?
If pedophilia is becoming normalized as a sexual orientation, and abortion is normalizing being able to kill a baby if it survives a late term abortion, what more needs to happen before we wake up? Because Sharia law creeping into the UK and U.S. sure hasn't done it. Just a reminder that Sharia is known for child brides and honor killings.
It's no longer 'over there'. It's here. Your freedoms to just simply live your lives are nearly gone, and nearly everyone you know is publicly mocking the one man on the planet literally standing up in public to Big Corp, Big Pharma, Big Banking, Big Oil, Big you name it, and he's still alive.
If you knew who to follow on social medias, you'd find the anons who keep track of all the assassination attempts. You'd find the autists who love crunching numbers and keeping tabs and reminding everyone who really said what with actual screenshots and reuploaded interviews and original timestamps and stuff. You'd sift down to the intel team who is really inside legally deconstructing the Fed.
You'd know.
Or you can go watch TV.
Although this one is pretty good. And Hunger Games.
